You can have a conversation about the same topic with different people and walk away with completely different levels of energy.

Some people are just harder for you to engage with. Sometimes you can blame that on different personalities or communication styles. Sometimes it’s just about missing chemistry.

But knowing why there is a mismatch doesn’t give you much to work with. You don’t control their personality.

What you do control is how you handle yourself in that interaction. In the best conversations, you can respond naturally—in your own words, at your own pace.

In other conversations you’re constantly adjusting yourself to make it work. Whether by over-explaining, managing reactions, staying agreeable, or keeping things on track. In some instances you may actually be taking responsibility for the entire interaction.

It’s those additional efforts that are draining energy.

In those situations, it helps to move away from asking “why are they like this?” to “what am I doing right now that costs me energy?”

Once you identify that, the question becomes: “What can I stop or do differently, to make this discussion less taxing?”

The simplest fix is not to have a conversation altogether. When that’s not an option, one or two small adjustments can already make a big difference—say less, don’t fill the silence, let things be unfinished.

Whatever approach you take, let the amount of energy you spend be a choice.