On May 12, Singapore underwent the 4th review of its human right record, including LGBT rights, at the United Nations.

That discussion about LGBT acceptance focused on laws, policies, and formal protections – and those things matter. But even as they gradually improve, how accepted people feel in daily life doesn’t automatically change.

Feeling accepted also requires that they feel comfortable and safe in their social environment, including family, friends and colleagues.

When acceptance in a community is conditional – a.k.a. when you need to fit in – that changes how you behave. Without real belonging, you learn to constantly assess what is safe to say, where, to whom, and in what way.

I experienced this myself when I was in university and doing all sorts of side jobs – from stocking shelves to washing dishes. Not knowing the reactions of my colleagues, I monitored my words and body language and considered which stories or details about myself to share.

It’s through those situations that I learned to show or hide parts of myself depending on the context. I know that sounds dramatic. Most people who know me would probably describe me as quite unapologetically myself in any circumstance.

But it’s nonetheless true. And if you know it’s true for me, you can imagine how true it is for others.

Experiences like these are often subtle rather than dramatic. Many environments are neither openly rejecting nor fully accepting. They are ambiguous, and that ambiguity shapes how people present themselves.

Someone may feel accepted socially, but not professionally; safe with friends, but not with family; tolerated but not fully understood.

That constant tweaking and tuning, deciding whether openness is worth the possible consequences, is exhausting. Over time, constant self-monitoring affects energy, spontaneity, and sense of belonging.

This is of course not unique to LGBT people. Many people who sit outside some perceived norm learn similar adaptive behaviours. And even when it becomes so normal (and habitual) that people barely notice they are doing it anymore, they are still not fully at ease.

Real acceptance is not just about what is legally allowed. It also requires that the need for constant calculation and adaptation disappears.